Wednesday, December 7, 2011

My Sleeping Beauty


110211093440    This is the view I had this morning when I awoke.. the sight of my little angel sleeping beside me warmed my heart and very soul. And I started to think about what she will be when she is an adult. What dreams will she fulfill , what does she want to be when she grows up, will she get married and have 1 child or many children? And if she does have a family will she choose to be a fulltime Mom or will she be one of those modern women of today and try to do it all?, career , husband and kids.

Whatever she decides I intend to be there to see it all.

I used to sit and get lost in thought about the prospect of not being here to even see her take her first steps, because I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer when she was still an infant, not even walking yet.

Now look at where we are today..she is not only walking . but running and playing , talking and singing, writing her name and the names of those she cares for the most. Having play dates, helping me bake cookies and cakes (especially her favorite)chocolate and especially fudgy brownies..

She even cleans her own room without me having to ask!

I could not have prayed for a better child.

She is the light of my life.

My reason for being

My Sleeping Beauty.


110211094231 This is my little Sleeping Beauty waking up, looking up at me from my tummy Smile Secret telling smile


Mommy loves you baby! Secret telling smile

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

So Far So Good


Well, today is the second day into my new method of getting Chemotherapy. On Friday the  government approved the cost of the new Chemo in a pill, named Xeloda. It is very very expensive. I am so happy that they did. From what I was told by my Pharmacist many people were not as fortunate as I am and were disapproved, I was also told that the government doesn’t pass approval that fast either..

When I picked it up yesterday I didn’t take it right away, instead Nadette , my Oncology Nurse suggested to start the regime after supper  and that it probably wouldn’t hurt to take the Metaclop eat least  a half hour before.

Metaclop is a drug that is given to primarily cancer patients receiving Chemo. It slows down  the digestive and intestinal system, preventing nausea and vomiting.
I cannot begin to express how nervous I was either. . I took the Metaclop and waited a half an hour than I ate something too to make sure that I had something buffering any hostile effects of the Xeloda.
For now I will go about my day as usual and not dwell upon any possible nasty side effects such as, Mouth Sores, Itchy and painful palms and or soles of the feet, abdominal pain and of course nausea and vomiting. These are the most common side effects reported to date. There are a few others but hey, if I keep on dwelling on the “possible” side effects I’ll end up making myself ill, LOL.
As for now I am happy and relieved to report, So far so good!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

My new Chemo in a Pill.


Well this morning I went to the hospital and picked up Xeloda.  Xeloda is a new form of Chemo, it comes in pill form,.

My body starting getting used to the other Chemo I was on, called Navalbine, and it was administered intravenously.  Other than just feeling a little tired , I never ever had any problems or nasty side effects.

I was told that I might experience some abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting, mouth sores and flushing and burning sensation of the hands and  or extremities. UGH ! I don’t want to feel sick or nauseous, or have any of that!.But I will take them like a good and responsible little Cancer Patient hehe.

I fought this long and have been successful at keeping the Cancer in check and I will continue to fight and kick this Cancer’s Ass! LOL.

I have too much to live for to give up now, and I have a lot of people counting on me to not give up.

But the most important person to keep fighting for is of course my precious daughter Chloe Megan. She has been my inspiration and my reason for being,

The smile on her face that I am blessed to see every day is worth fighting anything and anyone to keep on seeing,

I will  do my best to keep everyone posted as to how I am doing and feeling,

I am starting after supper tonight. I was given instruction to take 3 pills twice daily for 2 weeks and then on the 3rd week I don’t take any, it’s my week off, and I see my Oncologist once in a month.  So now I won’t have to go back and forth to the hospital anymore. Being able to have Chemo in the comfort of my home is definitely a bonus, because I honestly was getting fed up of traveling back and forth, back and forth.

Today has been dark and gloomy with scattered showers, but that is ok. Chloe Megan is my sunshine in a small package LOL..and we are doing all kinds of fun stuff,,,reading ,drawing, painting and coloring pictures etc..We have all kinds of fun arts & craft projects to keep us entertained and happy.

As long as we are together we always have a lot of fun!

Well everyone in Blog land, there will be lots more to come . Going to soak in a hot tub infused with Lavender essential oils and candlelight..Mmmmm I am so looking forward to this!..this will do wonders for my mind and my body right now…

110211200201Here we are me and mini me LOL

Monday, July 18, 2011

Wonderful Mother

God made a wonderful mother,
A mother who never grows old;
He made her smile of the sunshine,
And He moulded her heart of pure gold;
In her eyes He placed bright shining stars,
In her cheeks fair roses you see;
God made a wonderful mother,
And He gave that dear mother to me

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Greatest News Ever!

My News didn't actually happen today, but rather it happened a few weeks ago.
I went to my routine  Oncologist  Appointment for a check up and also where he prescribes my Chemo and Antibodies dosage for the next cycle. After they do the routine marker checks in my blood, that is when he is able to determine how and if the treatments are in fact doing their job or not..

Now let me back track here for a moment., about 3 weeks prior to this visit I underwent a routine bone scan , now when I say "routine" bone scan, that would mean for any one else other than myself,  every 3  to 6 months max. LOL. I laugh because I haven't been what you would call a "normal cancer patient", mainly because I have missed  a half a dozen or so bone scan appointments over the last 2 years!..
Never intentionally mind you, but for very valid reasons each and every time !, I just honest to goodness , had every intention of making and keeping the appointments but it never happened as it were , something always came up preventing me from being able to go.

My Oncologist Dr.Cristiano Ferrario would get so upset with me too whenever I'd missed the bone scan appointments let me tell you!  But  he was understanding and would never stay mad at me for very long. Fortunately for me, lol.

Any way going on with my good news lol,..Cristiano came in the room and says, " Hey Bon Giorno how are you and little Chloe? Chloe was of course sitting right there with me as usual, and I said , "Great Doc and you"? he says, "Very Good very good" and touches Chloe on the cheek making her blush

He then turns around and signs in to his computer to check my Blood Results, markers etc. and also the Bone Scan results.
After a  few moments he turns to me and says, " I have some good news and I have some bad news".   To which I say, "Oh"? Ok..Ummm tell me the bad news 1st, and this I tell you I had to really think about, but I'm tough I can handle it right? Ha , or so I thought because nothing could prepare me for what was going to come out of his mouth.

He then says,  "Well before I go on, as you know I have been here in Canada for several years now  and I have been practicing under Fellowship with Dr. Panasci," and Canada has been very lenient in that they have been continuously extending my Visa allowing me to be here this long".The hospital has offered me a permanent position here to which I have accepted". Now I am really happy at this point because not only have I been his 1st patient but he has been my 1st and only Oncologist,,I owe him my life. We are not just Doctor and Patient but over the years we have become friends..He knows me inside and out, and has been with me since the very beginning.  And I have been very concerned to say the least about him deciding that he did not want to continue on as Oncologist for the Jewish General and or practice here in Canada period!

And now he just eased all my worries and is telling me that he has been offered a permanent position and has accepted it.

"That's great Cristiano" "Oh my God I am so happy for you and for me as well" I said,
"So what's the bad news then"? He leans over, runs his hand through his hair and says with he head kinda bent down ,but looking right into my eyes now and in a lower tone says to me" Despite all the valid reasons for Immigration to grant  me permanent residence and allow me to become a citizen of Canada and this wonderful permanent position that has been put on the table by the hospital, they refused". . At this point I could feel my heart come to my throat, and my eyes start to spasm and burn.  I could not believe what I was hearing, all the reasons for why he should stay was playing in my mind like the last images of ones life flashing in front of the eyes right before you know your life is coming to an end.  "BUT" he adds,  "They will grant me permanency if I leave Canada and return to Italy for 6 months and return as a new applicant" "The hospital has tried everything apart from offering me to take this to the News and contact their lawyers to fight this, but I said no I don't want to risk pissing Immigration off and ruining any of my chances, they assured me acceptance if I comply and leave for 6 months, they will grant me citizenship and a new applicant", "SO I promise you I will be back and we will watch each other grow old, together".

Inspite of all the reasons I hate the thought of him leaving me after everything he has seem me through, I am, relieved that this is temporary and he will be back. But I HATE IT!! I am mortified of the thought that I will have no choice but to trust another Oncologist with my life,,After we discussed it a little further and him doing and saying everything just right so as to make sure that believed that he was returning, we agreed that it made the most sense that I be followed with the Oncolgist who he has been under Fellowship with, Dr.Lawrence Panasci.

I met Dr.Panasci with Dr . Ferrario the very 1st time I went to the Jewish after my diagnosis and Mastectomy, and he is very familiar with my case and has been following the case all these years..

I met him also once when I was in the ER and he was very nice and had a great bed side manner that I can remember.

Now that the bad news is behind me,,here is the Good News.

"Ok""give me the good news now" I say. "OH yes the good news" lol You have not had a bone scan in 2 years! and in 2 years there is no new metastasis at all, but better yet where we initially found the metastasis is completely gone! And your markers have and are dropping steadily".

"You're not kidding, are you?" I belt out. "No metastasis in all this time?  and where there were metastasis they have all disappeared!?" and my markers are dropping!?" I sing out this time.

"Yes you heard right" he answered back. "Do you realize how amazing this news is?" You are a true Miracle and I am so happy" .

"You are not the only one, and I could not have done this without you, you have to know that" "Thank you so much . from the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you"then I add, "You see why you leaving is insane, Quebec is crying because it needs more good Doctors and because the ones that they had are leaving to go States side, and here you are , a wonderful Doctor who actually truly cares about his patients, and they are making you leave?!?!" "this is insanity at it's best"! I bellowed out.

He could not understand any of it either but he'll be back.
And I will continue on Kicking Cancers Ass!!

I will be seeing him 1 last time before he leaves for 6 months and after that I will be followed by Dr.Lawrence Panasci.

More to come

Have a Good One!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

My Precious Daughter

Today started off like most days. .I was awakened my precious daughter's giggles and tickles. Something she has developed a quite a liking too., tickling my neck or giving me sweet little kisses .I wake up in the middle of the night quite often these days which is quite common for me since I have restarted chemo again several weeks ago.  Something about Chemo causes bouts of insomnia for me usually, but this time I sleep quite heavily and want to sleep as much as I can, as a matter of fact a couple of weeks ago I was falling asleep  every where, I'd fall asleep while talking with friends on the phone or sitting across the table from one another, I'd fall asleep chatting with Mom at the computer or worse while eating at the table lol....The frequent wakening is because of the pain in my back I wake up each time I want to change position or just turn over. I did however find out why I have been so exhausted  recently. At my regular 4 week check-up with my Oncologist he told me that I would not  be getting Chemo that day because my white cell count was too low but he was giving me the Herceptin which is an anti-body but only half the usual dosage, and the following week if my levels were normal than the Chemo would resume.,This new information however explained why I have been so exhausted..Now I am feeling  alot more energetic and the body pains that Chemo causes is alot better now. I am feeling more and more like myself.

Maybe this new found energy is due to it being Spring too, and like the trees blooming my spirit and zest for life is blooming too in a sense..Apart from the chemo treatments I am always keeping myself busy with Chloe. She is growing  ever so quickly and every day there are new adventures just waiting to be discovered. She loves to do everything and anything that Mommy does. She is quite the little helper too. I cannot even begin to express to all of you of how she warms my very soul with the little things that she does for me to show me how she is becoming a big girl now. In the mornings if she wakes up before I do she loves to make her bed or clean up the toys off the floor in the living room and make everything nice and tidy, and then after the ritualistic little kisses and tickling mommy she would say, "Mommy come see what I did for you" or "Mommy come see what I made for you", then she would take me by the hand ,tell me to close my eyes then guide me slowly to her room then say, "Okay Mommy, open your eyes!"..And then I would as always be gleeful and ecstatic and give her the praise she is rightfully due. Her bed is perfectly made, her toys are all out away and her room beautifully decorated according to her tastes and liking. Her face is beaming with joy as she struts around her room giving me detailed reasons for why each of her little pet shop toys are placed where they are. Each one of them has their place and she loves to build things for them too. Castles, barns, ranch corals etc..everything and anything that a pet shop toy would need and then some.

She helps with the dishes, and she also takes care of making sure Belle's bowls are full of food and fresh water, and the litter is swept off the floor, which is a task that has to be taken care of every day of course because Belle loves to toss litter out of her litter box  every time she does her business LOL.

She accompany 's me every time I have to go to treatments too, and has done so since the beginning. I think that out of all the times I have had to go to the hospital for treatment , I can count in one hand how many times that she was not with me.

I try my best to make sure that she has what she needs and then some to make sure that she doesn't get bored..I make home made jello playdough so we can make things. Plenty of paper and crayons sometimes even paints, Story books so that I can read her stories .And for the times that I don't feel too well she'd play on her Leapster or watch the t.v which is thanks to the hospital for being equipped with televisions in every treatment room or station.  Whatever the case may be I try to make it an enjoyable experience for her.

I always bring good things for us to eat too and we pretend that we are out on a picnic lol.

My daughter is you could say my best little buddy.  It is because of her I fight so hard and I believe am winning this battle with the Dragon. It is because of her and for her that I am here, and with God's blessing remain here to watch with joy and amazement every blessed day of how beautifully my daughter grows into an amazing young adult.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Woe is Me

Woe is isn't that I am in denial or making less of a serious situation,
This is me fighting,, AGAIN. Last week I find out that 1 of 3 markers has gone up a bit. SO that means that I will be going through some Radiation again and Chemo Therapy..the difference is that this time around I will be doing it all at home, just not the Radiation LOL.

I will also be taking a new Anti- Hormone drug at home too. So no more intravenous treatments this time. and that is a bonus. The last time all my treatments were done through the I.V. It is a great relief knowing that I won't have to bring my little girl back and forth to my treatments, so this time we both won't be uprooted from the comfort of our own home. ..our sanctuary. The one place that we both look forward to being when we leave the hospital, the store, or even the homes of our families and friends.

At first when I got the news, yes it was a shock and it seemed for that moment that my back pain that initially started from injuring it a few weeks before the x-mas holidays got so much worse..And it was worse. Much worse. The Cancer was aggravated because of the injury. The Cancer that I knew was in my bones already. The Cancer that spread almost 5 years ago from my breast, but was in control for all this time, NOW is aggravated! Ha..imagine my cancer is aggravated..that is almost laughable , HA HA HA..I am aggravated!

Aggravated because I know that I have been doing everything right, keeping my stress level down. eating as best and as I possibly could, sleeping and exercising. But because of an injury and I guess the stress that it caused, VOILA!

I met with my Radiation Oncologist and he sent me for a CT Scan to see exactly where I need the see I am in considerable amount of pain, which is normal with what I have, the great thing is that after the Radiation not immediately but in a little time the pain will be all gone.  And slowly but surely with the Chemo my markers will go back down.

This form of Chemo, chemo by mouth will be the first for me and I am confident that it will has to work.

I am strong and a fighter and I will do whatever needs to be done, whatever it takes no matter what it is.

I have my little girl Chloe Megan who counts on me , her Mommy to fight this. To beat this.


She is the best reason .

And I intend to do just that, FIGHT> CONQUER>WIN!

Our love will carry us through this. Always and Forever.

Together we will fight. Together we will conquer.Together we will WIN

Because Mommy loves you.